We are told to disguise our sexual intentions when entering a scenario which is entirely about sex. It leads to an inappropriate squeamishness of our own sexuality and also a general mistrust since the whole system is rooted in misdirection.
“Guys are after only one thing.”
Pretty lazy truism. The underlying fact is that guys are people. People are after only one thing. Like when I was resigned to the fact that I was a boring idiot on a date until the lady planted the kiss of all kisses right on me. But…what did I even do? Nothing! I was incorrect in believing that dating was “just about meeting people” and “just getting to know people.” In reality, it’s about sex.
I got the job that time.
Dishonesty about intention.
Most people ask someone to go on a date if they find the other person attractive in some way. Physically, personality, etc. The person being asked may not agree but perhaps they agree because they are put on the spot, open to new things, bored and looking for excitement, genuinely attracted to the person who asked them. Too often, people agree to dates out of fear. That…is another essay. I’m sorry but that deserves its own topic.
When talking about the other dating scenarios, the good ones, the proper ones, we are observing two people sizing each other up for what could become a sexual relationship. In the best of circumstances, we can observe two people actively avoiding the element that they most have in common: a mutual curiosity about having sex with the person across from them.
There are some benefits to not leaning too heavily on sex as a subject matter. Namely, determining other characteristics about the person that could indicate suitability as a long-term partner. But sex being completely taboo is totally counterproductive.
I met up with a woman at a diner. She was shy and reserved. I attempted to make casual conversation. Sensing her apprehension, I simply wanted to content myself on decent conversation. Nothing worked. She just wouldn’t talk with me. No chemistry, it happens.
Wrong. I contacted her later to thank her for her company and she replied with regret that she was just looking for sex. I’m like lady. Lady. Why. Didn’t. You. Say. So? Check my references, I come highly recommended. If she knew how to talk—how to just communicate what she was interested in, what her intentions were, I guarantee you that she’d still be talking about that night now, four years later.
Talk isn’t cheap nor is it boring. Americans like to say “less talk, more action” at a lot of things. Wrong attitude, Americans! Not “less” talk; how about “better” talk.
“Talk” doesn’t mean sitting at that restaurant table, hands folded in front of you, lecturing one another. It’s about sharing. Dialoging. Saying something and listening to the response. Being forthright but not holding forth. Or holding back. Honest talk requires trust and safety. That’s what the dating is about. Establishing that trust and security. Becoming comfortable enough with a person that you can talk about anything from how you feel about your parents to what you like in bed. It’s really important in a way that just talking about your career or your generalized political views is not.
Okay it’s been a while, I don’t remember what people talk about on dates. But I do remember that whatever it is, it never gave me the sense that I could truly share anything significant with this other person. So it progresses as two people fumbling in ignorance and often leaves them confused and angry.
When it comes to sex, most people seem to follow a default social script and only deviate further along in an interaction. Which is a risky way to get what you want. There’s an idea of the right way to kiss, the right type and duration of foreplay, the presence of “foreplay” itself, even the proper position to assume in an initial sexual interaction.
It’s as if sex is so big of a deal that you need to have sex with somebody ten times before you can break it to them that you would rather not be on top or something equally asinine. You should have told them the first time. Before the first time. Tell them that you need this spot touched or that joint licked or that you can’t reach orgasm unless your partner rubs your feet while humming the national anthem. People are odd. Many people have quirks, squicks and idiosyncratic tastes that aren’t going to be appropriately met by chance.
Have you ever had bad sex? The kind where you’re laying next to the person afterward like “well. Okay. Sure, I guess that was a good use of an evening.” Or even sadder, Almost-Good sex? That kind is probably worse because it stays with you longer. If only they had done That Thing a little longer or whatever.
Could have easily been solved with some straight talk. It can even be naked straight talk. Hum the national anthem to me, baby. I can only get off to other people’s displays of patriotism.
Sex with different people should be different. Because people are different. If you do the exact same stuff in bed with all of your partners, you might be a bit bad at doing sex.
Don’t do sex badly.
Learn what your partner wants and re-learn what you want. Your desires might change when you have sex with a different person. You’ve got to be honest with yourself and between yourselves. Somethings will be adamant for some people. Certain things are deal breakers. But it seems that those are the edges, the borders. Everything within that territory is yours to explore.